Introducing checkup (January 2026) Check Up
- lirhyapetitpain
- il y a 5 jours
- 50 min de lecture
Dernière mise à jour : il y a 3 jours
This year I decided to take better care of myself, meaning work less. Or rather work differently. Instead of spending all my time drawing and working on my orders, I'll spend more time developing my critical mind by just taking my time. Taking the time to think, taking the time to watch, to read, to understand and to enjoy other people's works. I've been also highly avoiding doomscrolling on social media and while I still use 'em I stick to one hour a day (which I tend to scatter all day long, login in 5min here and there to say whatever I have to say, share a few good arts and leave, basically). I strongly believe social medias are made to not only induce an intellectual laziness in people so they don't look for real informations anymore but also normalizing hate and violence so when a Gov is it's normal, cheered even. So I think it's important to limit our time on these, grabbing a book, going out for a walk, watching a movie or playing a game everytime we feel like doomscrolling or everytime something we read online impact our mood negatively.
So I thought I'd do a little check up of movies/games/book I do in the month, it will force me to stay reasonable and actually leave my small-ass desk but it will also, maybe, give some nice suggestions to some of you. I'll be sharing my pov quickly (as quickly as I can at least) for each of them but I won't put rating. I want you to make up your own mind. That's the fascinating thing with Art, it's personal even when it's not and you can enjoy something objectively mid with no huge artistic intention and feel some very intimate connexion to it to the point of having it totally changing, rebooting even, your life (which is how I feel about Captain America Brave New World, as flawed and butchered it was by Disney to the point of burying the intention behind a fake uncomfortable blend "apolitical" plot) the same way you can totally dislike a masterpiece and a "must have". There will be a lot of Tim Blake Nelson because one of my goal is to catch up with his work. I've watched, what 10-15 of movies with him ? And he was in over 60, like, what the fuck. I always thought his career behind the camera was bigger, maybe at a producer. Only recently (like a year or so ago) did I realize he never fucking rest (or rather like he said he doesn't use social media). He's in so many things, he writes stuff himself. But in France not many are accessibles (unless you speak English) and because I was looking at French list I was like "oh, that's easy to watch everything" since it had, like, 15 projects in it LOL (haha even). And even when you browse wikipedia and other websites it's very incomplet. Did you know he voiced a guy in Black Dynamite ? I did NOT until a tweet mentionned it this week. I use Tim as a vector to discover things I would never have watched by myself. Not necessarly because I don't have the curiosity, but because I don't know where to start. I think you all know that feeling, standing in front of a shelf full of books or games or movies and not knowing what to take so you end up doing nothing instead, that's kind of what I'm talking about. This absolute vertigo in front of my own wasted time tend to stop me ironically.
I suppose that's why I allowed myself to obsess over his career, even if I kept saying how toxic and stupid it was to be into a real person, because people are rather disappointing and because I think dehumanizing people to see them as some idol is bad for their mental health and utterly disrespectful too. I still believe in that, that's why I mostly talk about Tim's career when I say I'm into him but I guess now I have a better and less patronizing understanding as to why you would create a parasocial relationship with a celebrity who will never give a damn about you. I suppose that's what growing up is about, accepting how everything you do as a teen and all the cringe ensuring is not only ok but have a way deeper reason and meaning to be and embracing it again.
Maybe I'll make a whole-ass post about that one day, because I think it's fascinating. In the way that parasocial relationships are in everyone's life in both ways (at different extend), 'specially now with social medias but also because I think it can be life saving or in the opposite absolutely destructive. So I think it's important to talk about it, to keep things healthy for you but also the person you're into, 'cause here I'm talking about Tim who's not on social media so me being fucking obsessed with his work won't bring him any nuisances (maybe a fan letter that never reached him but y'know), but in most case it's about two nobodies who have no fame and who don't even have a fan/idol relationship so they don't really understand they are in a parasocial relationship. It happened (still happens) to me a lot, in fact, with everything good and bad about it. People telling me I saved their life and people who pretended they would off theirs if I didn't give them attention. People who said I inspired them and people who hate me because I didn't return the weirdass one-sided rivalry and friendship they made up. Like I said social media destroyed this natural barrier between two individuals and it has people thinking they somewhat "own" you, or rather you "owe" them, they feel like they know you because you liked their stuff once and they read whatever you chose to share about you. But anyway, I'm once again digressing, you're used to it by now. I'll talk about all that longer another day. It's no secret if you read me here or anywhere else that I have health issues, which led to traumas and all the shit it implies. I lost 16 years of my life struggling in what feels like an ocean of emptiness. I barely have any memories of these years anymore, except for some flashes but the little I have feel like me sitting in a silence and doing pretty much nothing. In this period of my life, everything was complicated. Including doing things I love. I did push myself to play video games (games that I forgot now, I should play them again, I know I loved some of them) but how many did I play anyway ? 3-4 ? I missed so many things. 16 years of barely reading, watching, playing anything and for me who's driven by a very natural first of knowledge, passion and mostly Art (since Art IS passion, passion isn't necessarily love, it can be violent and negative emotions as well) it feels like an absolute fucking loss. I know nothing. Nobody does but in my case I know less than I should and it upsets and hurt me. It's one of the biggest regret of my life, the time I lost. The time when I wasn't passionate, the time when I wasn't learning, enjoying, discovering, feeling. The time when I wasn't me. Dropping school also, not just because I absolutly sitting for hours and listening to my teachers (at least when they liked what they were doing) because I lack the tools to make analysis (which is something I love doing as you noticed). I suppose I tend to be a little too negative about the way I do it 'cause I lack, I don't know, I lack whatever it takes to make relevant shit I guess, or at least that's how I feel. But I try anyway because that's how you learn, you gotta start somewhere. And because it's fun, like I said I really love doing these little analysis.
But what I mean is, I don't feel relevant in what I write qo I don't want you to take that from granted. I'm a school drop out, I have no idea how cinema or literature work, I just write what I felt and I try to rationalise it. I guess that's why I like doing analysis, because I crave rationalism in a way or another probably but I'm not a psychologist either so who knows. Maybe I'm completely wrong about what I feel and think something represent. That's why I always encourage you to watch/read/play whatever I'm talking about yourself and make your own opinion on it. Because I strongly believe the audience's interpretation and feelings are as important as the artist's intension.
There's this meme going around I don't want to share to avoid slandering whoever is behind it "literature class in a nutshell" with Allan Poe being like "I love raven" and the teacher over-explaining why. It's a popular teenager "it's not that deep" joke but I hate this joke. Because yes, it's always that deep and the reason Allan Poe loved Raven so much does have a reason and this reason is mostly what the teacher explained. Every single fucking shit you do, love or hate has a deep meaning, it's the base of the psychoanalysis. Which is accessible to anyone and important, health wise. It annoys me how common and normalized it gets to just reject curiosity and mock it even. I hate it 'cause it's dangerous, if you're not curious anymore you lose the tools to question your World and the system and that's how you fall into fascism. That's why I keep encouraging you to keep your mind open, to be curious and to look deeper than just "I like raven because they're cute" and to ask yourself why you think they're cute. Like Carl G Jung once said if you want to change the World you need to understand it first and to understand it you have to understand yourself.
And so this is a mean to try to "catch up" with that time I lost, as impossible as it is. So I set a silly goal which I don't know if I'll reach but I want to watch 50 movies (including series) this year, that's almost a movie a week, seems pretty accessible but so far it's been like 5-6 a year lol.
That's also what being into Tim's career brought back in me, a love for cinema. I'm a baby lover though, I don't know shit about cinema, I don't know the classics, I don't know how it works, I'm discovering all that with the eyes of a children going into a theater for the first time of their life and getting out with stars in their eyes, which is how I felt after seeing Brave New World, like the first time you ever come into a theater (which wasn't, of course, but again, I'll make a post about it) and so I have this feeling of being a blank page, which is why I feel so lost and don't know where to start and why I use Tim as a way to guide me and find what I like, create my tastes and stuff. I do think it's never too late to start a life, right ? But it's hard sometime to find your way. So anyway, I've been starting to buy Blu-Ray and DVD (I dislike streaming though sometimes I don't have choices, or rather I don't trust it enough) and it's an absolute pain for my French ass to get Tim related movies, a huge part of them are just impossible to get here if you don't rely to streaming (and VPN) or get a multizone Blu-Ray player (which I don't have yet, it's expensive as shit). I also want to play at least one game a month (doesn't have to be a different game each month and I don't have to finish it either but I want to feed the flamme of the gaming passion that had me meet the love of my life in the first place). And I want to read 5 books a month (I include comics/BD/manga/manhua etc... in books of course otherwise it would be too much). Though my problem when it comes to movies or series is that I tend to wait for my fiance to watch them with me and we don't spend much time together lately 'cause of work and shit (basically an annoying moment of deeply missing each others in order to be able to live together). Hopefully it won't last too long, but it kinda prevents me from doing stuff. I regret starting these posts so late 'cause I've been watching some absolute bangers last year that I would have loved to share but you've all heard of them anyway. Sinners, Frankenstein, Nosferatu, Asterix and Obelix the Big Fight, Perfect Blue (I didn't say it would be only movies and series that came out last year after all) and a few more (I have a little Letterboxd btw if you want and I have my second personal instagram that I need to update more often where I share stuff I find and enjoyed)
Alright, that being said let's dive in.
🎬 Movies
Bang Bang (2024) by Vincent Grashaw
I've been waiting for so so long to watch this movie and it's FINALLY available on streaming plateform (for US folks tho so you gotta use VPN if you wanna watch it legally but anyway). I like boxe to begin with, it's a sport I've always wanted to practice (turns out hitting on shit and doing cardio is good for my health issues). Which is a good enough reason to see this movie. This is not a success story, it's not Rocky or Creed (that I need to see btw), this is more realistic, the story of what happens to most professional boxers. So here you follow an unlovable wreck of a guy in his journey into self redemption or at least looking for, like, a reason to be and I loved it a lot, the ending hit hard because it's not what you usually except (which is why I said it's not a success story). In fact there's no real ending, it's like watching a small slice of someone's life, there's no beginning and no ending to someone's everyday life after all. It's kinda hard for me to describe the movie and what I liked about it. Probably the very grounded tragic reality it depicts.
Tim's performance in this movie was stunning, probably one of the best he delivered. I really loved Andrew Liner's, his character was very, hum, "adorable", "lovable", I don't know how to say that in English but he grew in me quickly and I think that's my biggest and only disappointment, I wanted to see more of him lol. But it's not a huge disappointment either, having him ending like he did was heartbreaking but in a good way.
Flow (2024) Gints Zilbalodis
I've heard about this one a lot without really hearing about it. I've been told it's good basically but I didn't know shit about the movie itself. I love animation, it's my favorite medium when it comes to cinema so I bought this bluray a while back but didn't really find the time to watch it with the fiance until now. It was an absolute fucking slap. The movie is silent but it has so much to say. All characters "talk" the way you would expect animals to talk in any movies centered about animals, except they don't. They don't talk but you can understand everything they say, their personality. This movie isn't just a movie, it's an experience. I really want to talk more about symbolism and shit but it's really a movie you need to "live" yourself with little to no spoilers and explanation. I think one of the strong point of the movie is how you are the one making the story in your head by imagining dialogues and all so I'm not going to say more to avoid influencing your perception.
The Batman (2022) by Matt Reeves
I feel conflicted about this one. It was a very good comics book movie, visually interesting and a nice depiction of Batman. I think Robert Pattinson is a good Batman. Before I go further keep in mind that I don't read DC comics so I didn't watch this movie as a comics book fan but an average person who mostly know Batman through other movies and the famous 90s show.
Alright, so I find it interesting to see a young Batman who don't really want to be a Wayne. Riddler was very cool at first and his relationship with Batman interesting (how Batman inspired him), it's a nice questioning about vigilent. That being said, there's a lot of things bothering me in this movie. First of all how it never pushes its narrative, or rather how it tries to please everyone and not take too much risk through a statement, "corrupted cops but not all cops", for exemple. It stays very shy and like a lot of comics tend to lure you with what can be seen as a leftist message only to instantly mistreat minorities by writing leftists as literal terrorists and incels and making Riddler a parody of mental illnesses. I don't blame Paul Dano over it, I think he did great with what he had (unlike what Tarantinasshole can say) and I don't blame actors over a writing they don't control but yeah, Riddler is a huge let down and felt like a Joker bootleg. This movie is full of problems. I see why it's highly loved but I also understand why it's highly hated. It wants to deliver a message but never actually have the guts to deliver it, that's how I feel about it. Lego Batman will remain, to me, the best Batman movie (and I'm not saying this ironically, it's really good).
The Invisibles (2024) by Andrew Currie
It's a movie about mourning. Not necessarily the dead, though it's mostly what it is about, but anything in your life. It's about avoiding a trauma, basically. Ignoring it to the point of becoming invisible and the impact it can have on loved ones who decided to face that trauma. So I guess it was very personal for me who tried to bury their traumas under the rug for years and who destroyed their mental health over it but anyway. It was a beautiful movie. Very predictable but I don't think it's really a problem in this context, I don't think everything has to surprise you. What matter isn't the destination, it's the journey like they said.
I had a very, very good moment watching this movie, that I'll definitely watch again with my fiance. I watch most Tim movies alone and then if I think he will like, I'll watch it again with him since Colossal, which is kind of his sleep paralysis demon at this point. But anyway, it's both touching and fun. Nick (portrayed by Nathan Alexis) is a character I absolutely adore, I was rooting for him and I was praying during all the movie "please, PLEASE, give him an happy ending, I'm on my knees !!", he was so fun but also so endearing. I hope I can see more of this actor in the future.
I need a physical version though, I'm so tired of streaming, I want to put my little DVD or Blu Ray in my little player and watch it on my nice tv and not having to rely to my computer and its VPN and shit to legally watch you TIM PLEASE BE MORE ACCESSIBLE FOR YOUR FOREIGN HARDCORE AND INSANE FANS. I absolutely love this poster also, it's fucking cute.
Crank (2006) by Mark Neveldine and Brian Taylor
It was ok. That's pretty much it. It wasn't bad, but it's disappointing. It's basically a parody of Americans blockbuster action movies with everything it implies about a man who needs to do the dumbest shit to survive through adrenaline. I liked the concept, but while the first half of the movie kind of followed that (especially in the way it was shot, making you as speed as the protagonist), the second half was way more boring and kind of a let down. It didn't really push the idea, it wasn't funny, or rather felt too "deja-vu", as if they just threw everything they got the first 20min and had nothing to offer afterward. And maybe I'm just too woke but STRANGELY a rape scene doesn't make me laugh, it makes me fucking cringe. Doesn't matter is the whole point was to mock the inheritant sexism of action movies, it was uncalled for. It's really not a movie for me. I do like action movies, I was born in 89, I was raised with Arnold Schwarzenegger, Bruce Willis and Sylvester Stallone and I have a deep affection for this genre. But this one didn't touch me. I think it's best if you make up your own opinion though.
The Grey Zone (2001) by Tim Blake Nelson
Watching more movies with Tim also means watching more of his own movies. The Grey Zone is the one I've been wanting to see for the longest, I don't know why I waited so long to watch it, I had the DVD for a while now. It's the story of the Sonderkommando of Auschwitz and their 1944 rebellion. It's the unity of Jewish people who had to burn down the bodies of other Jewish people, sorting out their stuff and even luring them into the gaz chamber to avoid panic. The ones who cleaned up the ashes. The ones who had to perpretrate the horror, which makes this movie a chilling haunting disturbing masterpiece.
I've always been into WWI and WWII/Holocaust movies, maybe because I'm French and it's an insanely big part of our heritage and responsbility. Because we, too, traded our own people against some comfort and survival. Not everyone was a Resistant unlike what the Gov would love you to think so you can forget about their treason. When you're in middle school, you go to Normandie and you visit the landing beaches. You wander between two bomb impacts, visit the bunkers, you go to a museum and you end the day in the American Cemetery. This is where I got my first panic attack ever, it was so strong I wanted to die for the 3 next days (I was 14). I don't know why, maybe because my health was starting to fail me back then and I barely had any cortisol in my blood anymore to deal with strong emotion and stress, maybe because I actually cared and listened alone the whole day while the rest of my classmates were busy playing in holes and hiding in bunkers. But when I entered that cemetery, my first thought was "all these crosses are a live that was lost in a glimpse" and this thought haunted me. The thought of all the people who are dying to protect someone else's money and power as they sit their ass in the comfort of their big house. The thought of how fragile life was, the thought of dying far from home in an absolute violence. I couldn't stop thinking about it, how cruel it was. And I've lived in the fear of having to see it with my own eyes one day, where hatred could lead people. But I also had the comforting thought that given how recent it was and how the ghosts of this past were still very present, it could never happen ever again (lol, haha even). As I grew up I traded my fear for ressent because as time went by I knew, I've seen it in my history books and through the words of survivors like Lucie Aubrac that I had the absolute honor to meet, but also through heartbreaking movies like Le Vieux Fusil, The Pianist, Schindler's list, Hotaru no Haka, Stalingrad and a lot more, that it is in the nature of our society. Not in the nature of humans, if anything the duty of memory taught me that everybody suffered it, that's why I named movies from different countries about different people on purpose. But it's in the nature of our society to dehumanize people to profit the one who oppress you. Humanity is a cycle, it goes into fascism, then it cries about it, then it makes patronizing discourse about how it could never happen again while making it happen. But it's different to them, it's different because the people they hate and kill aren't people, they're vermines. You see, the other day there was a drama about someone who draw (I'm not calling a supremacist an artist, artist is a mindset, not a skillset, so it's someone who draw) who made a post saying "I'm alt right and christian and I don't hate on anyone" after making a disgusting ICE fanart of the guy who murdered Alex Pretti and people went "how hypocrite". But I don't think it was, that's the thing, it wasn't hypocrite because to that person people like Alex Pretti and all the person who have been abducted and who will get killed aren't people, so hating them isn't hating people and if it's not hating people then you don't hate anyone. That's how it works to them, that's why the duty of memory is so important and why it's even more important to watch movies from any single point of view. Not just the view of the victims. Moraly grey movies are importants because fascists gaslight themself into thinking they are the victims and it's a good enough reason to do what they do. There's no nazi who do nazi shit because they like being evil and killing people, MAGA don't even realize they are literal nazis in both their mindset and methods. Because we've been so busy hating on nazis and calling ourself heroes we forgot they didn't invent shit. Everything they did, the supremacist, the Holocaust, any single genocide they did, it wasn't THEIR ideas, I want you to understand that, nazis didn't invent supremacist, it's barely the name Dutch Supremacists gave themself the same way US Supremcists call themself MAGA, you don't have to be nazi to be "nazi" basically. Sure some people will argue that nazis enjoyed killing and torturing people. Wrong, like I said it wasn't people to them. They were a threat so killing and torturing them was ok. Nowadays you have people who think the same, about Jewish people still, about immigrants (ironic coming from Europeans children who call themself Americans), about LGBTQ+ people, about leftists, about disabled, about women. Which is the friendly reminder that the Holocaust started with disabled folks and included LGBTQ+, political prisoners etc... Like I said, nazis are like any supremacists so it's not a stretch at all to call any supremacist a nazi, even when they pretend to not be antisemite in order to not be called a nazi, it's a reality (and they are antisemitic btw).
And movies like the Grey Zone are important because they humanize the horror and make you understand that not only are your victims as humans as you but also how you can become an oppressor even when you think you're the victim. We could all well become a nazi if we forget how human cruelty is.
Every fucking upsetting shit you see, every tears you get when you watch movies like these are real because they show reality, they show what happened and what can happen again. So look at it and when you do remember, it could have been you, a loved one. It happened, it's happening again as we speak, because we allow it in order to stay alive and keep our comfort. This movie is slow, it's fucking slow and there's almost no music. Forcing you to focus on every tears, every cry, every scream, every torture, every death, every horror. Music are used only twice, the first time when a train arrives at Auschwitz and people are coming to get slaughtered and the second at the end during a rebellion. And, well, we all know history and the Sonderkommando so we know how it will end in both these moments. There's also a character who doesn't talk until the very end so when they do it destroys whatever is left of your heart.
This moment in this screenshot was a good exemple of that slowness, it happens at the very beginning of the movie. It's the first moment I cried (I cried a lot honestly, I'm a very sensitive little gremlin). The man here is Dr Miklos Nyiszli portrayed by Allan Corduner, a Dr who was assisting Joseph Mengele. In this specific moment, he's being told there will be more experiment so of course we understand what it means and he doesn't say anything, you just have this long silent plan on his face as he's visibly struggling to not cry. And this movie is full of moment like these, long, silent. Which add to the cruel reality of every single moment, it's slow, just like skip moments in the reality. It's a real story you're being told and the movie is reminding you of that every single second. The ambiance is so heavy, everything is, well, grey, in a dark shade. The grey smoke, the grey ashes, the grey prisoner outfit. That's what these extermination camps were, grey in every aspect. But it's not the only reason it's called like this. There's a lot to say about that title only and how brilliantly depicted it is in that movie. It comes from Primo Levi's book The Drowned and the Saved. Basically the Grey Zone is how he calls people (especially Jews in camps but not just them) who collaborated with nazis in order to protect themself or get more comfort and the moral ambiguity of humans. I would love to dive deeper into that but while I've heard about the book years ago, I haven't read it yet (though I will because as you know moral ambiguity is something that fascinate me, maybe that's why I loved that movie so much). It's a disturbing movie, in a very good way, because it shows humanity as it is, presenting victims as persecutor. I don't wanna spoil too much but one of the moment that had me crying the most (with loud sobbing and shit, not just tears in my eyes), were a moment were you see Jewish people getting naked to get ready to be gazed and the Jewish prisoners telling them it's gonna be alright and a man yelling they're a lying nazis. This moment was so heartbreaking but I think what broke me the most is when the actual nazi took the watch and gave it with a smirk (you'll get what I mean when you watch it) to the broken man sitting on the floor, watching with satisfaction, amused even, at jews killing each others. There's a moment when the SS erich muhsfeldt says like "I didn't hate jews until I saw what they could do to each others", it's not the actual quote but it's kind of what it means, how easy it is to find Jewish people who would willingly burn down their own to survive a few more days. Which is a very upsetting statement because while it doesn't apply to Jewish people only, obviously it applies to everyone, it's true. The shit we do under duress. The humanity good people sacrifice for a few more days. And for what ? To live with the pain and the guilt and the shame ? Only to end up killing yourself because you cannot unseen or undo what you've done ? It's an absolute masterpiece because it keeps putting you in front of this moral question that has no answer until you have to face it yourself. It's easy to think "I would have done like the girls, I would have sacrificed myself" but once you face such a violent death, what will you really do if they give you the choice to trade your humanity for a few more days ? When you're told about the horror of a genocide, you're being told about the horror of what victims went through and the horror the genocidal oppressors did, but you're barely being taught about the taboo of how dehumanization can turn you into the monster they see in you and the pain of becoming what they force you to be. The way it's shot add to this Grey Zone, it feels like you're "here", a person wandering in that camp. And sometimes you are a prisoner, like that moment in the gaz chamber and you have a woman directly talking to "you" (through the camera) or that moment when a woman is tortured and all you hear is her scream as you wander in the corridor with another nazi sitting and so from their pov. And I don't know if it was done on purpose, but the way it's shot had me feel like it was voyeurism sometimes, like I wasn't supposed to be here. Especially the moment I mentionned when one of the girl is tortured and "we" are in the corridor seeing a nazi sitting and hearing nothing but her screams. It felt very disturbing, it makes me feel terrible in a way I can't quite describe 'cause all of sudden you realize that no matter how bad you feel, you're still comfortable in your room, watching this very realistic depiction of an everyday life in the life of Jews during the Holocaust and there's just nothing you can do but watch. You go into natural inconscious moral judging also "I don't like this guy, he's not as heroic as this one" and then these shot that makes you feel uncomfortable because they kinda put you in someone else's shoes will suddenly remind you of your place and you take a slap that will humble you down. It's real. Real people who faced things you can't even comprehend even if you see it on screen. This is a haunting masterpiece not just because it's absolutely heartbreaking (and important, historically wise), but because it shows you all the cruel reality of actually surviving and that absolute impossible choice between dying with dignity and honor or living with shame and guilt.
In this context, dying is way easier than living but we keep naturally clinging to it, it's odd. We can't comprehend these choices until we have to make them.
And there's a moment near the end, but I spoiled too much already (though can you really spoil historical events ?), that perfectly illustrate that, when the SS goes to Miklos and basically spares him, the weight of surviving though Miklos' reaction as he's being told he can keep working. I love this movie a lot, but it's something I love a lot about Tim's work as a whole. Nothing is black or white, there's no "all good" or "all bad", it's grey. It's always grey and we all stand in that Grey Zone too, with the capacity to do the worst or the best. To do the best for the worst or the worst for the best and this is perfectly illustrated in this movie through the prisoners by the ashes they slowly get used to. God fucking dammit, what a movie. I wasn't expecting to have so much to say and I stayed very, very short, I say I wanted to keep it short and I still have so much to say, but what a fucking good movie it was. Maybe because like I said I'm very sensitive to movies about WWI/WWII idk but it did something to me. And I'm not saying this because it's Tim, I'm very, very critic of his work because as an artist I know how important it is to be true to someone's work and not let your affection influence the way you would perceive one's work (even if in full objectivity is impossible). Leaves of Grass was fun but it didn't leave me such a strong speechless "damn" for exemple. Not a lot of movies (or arts as a whole) did in fact so far.
But I'll be thinking about this movies for days, weeks, months probably and rewatch it a few time. Definitely in my all time fav 10 movies. And it will make me buy books when I can so we might talk about all that again later in this blog. Which is kind of what I meant by using Tim as a vector. Because passion is a door to more discovery.
Inside Llewyn Davis (2013) by the Coen brothers
I love Tim's work so by extension I loved a few works from the Coen Brothers. But I never really took the time to actually dive into their work. I have a few friends who are totally into it who keep pushing me to do it, but I never do because I never really take time to appreciate things and I just draw and draw and draw (I'm working on that alright, that's why this post exist). But like I said at the beginning of this post, it's never too late. A few days ago, a friend gave me a few movie names and I don't know but this one specifically hit me. I suppose I heard it already, can't remember where but I'm pretty it's not the first time it's being recommended to me so y'know, I did give it a try. First of all I didn't know Oscar Isaac could sing. Apparently it's a well known fact since it's what shows up when you type his name on Google, but I don't really type actors' name on Google usually nor do I really take interest into them.
It's one of the strength of the movie, its soundtracks. I'm not familiar enough with the Coen yet to tell but so far seems like music is often in the center of their story in a way or another. The movie is about a failed folk artist who try to put his life together but as the movie goes on and on you see him being stuck in a loop. Not literally, it's not Groundhog Day either, but in a way that he seems to not be able to escape his everyday life. I think that's what the movie is about, a loop. Llewyn is an unlovable unlucky failure (on a societal point of view) and asshole but it makes him very lovable somewhat. Like I said, I'm not familiar enough with the Coen's game to make a proper analysis but to me this movie is a Schrodinger allegory, in the way that the hero is both alive and dead (both inside and metaphorically talking and outside and literally 'cause at some point I thought he wouldn't make it) until we open the box to check in, which I guess is why everything is a loop, to represent that in between/both alive/dead state. A lot of shot also looks like "boxes", in the way that it's very, like, thin, "close", I don't know how to say that in English but you get the idea, very claustrophobic. Thin corridors, thin stairs and Llewyn keeps getting out and in. And the lack of color add to that. Sometimes it felt like watching a black and white movie. The cat we see makes me think it's a hint to that too, to that Schrodinger allegory. Will we open the box and see if Llewyn is dead or alive (either metaphorically or literally, or both) ? Well I'll leave that to you. I also see an Odysseus metaphor (like O Brother, which is more of a modern adaptation than a metaphor though if I don't say bullshit) through the cat (again) whose name is revealed at the end and it makes sense 'cause it's revealed when Llewyn is back home and I already said too much so I'll shut the fuck up.
The film was great, Oscar is very good and it makes his character very interesting through all his flaws. There's one of the character of the movie who's very perfect and nice in every possible way but feels (at least to me) very fucking annoying for a reason I can't really explain (maybe it's just natural to be annoyed at perfection, in a very envious way, I don't know), he feels so flat. Maybe because perfection means no need to improve so it's a closed book, an anti-story, there's nothing to add or say about it.
I'll probably take the vinyl disc one day if I'm less broke or whatever.
📚 Books
Superhero (2025) by Tim Blake Nelson
Ok I'm cheating because I actually read it in late December. Basically got it for Christmas, started reading it the 26th and finished the 28th. Buuuut it's late enough to count it heeeere (I just wanted to talk about it alright ? And I make the rules here anyway). I have difficulties when it comes to reading. After a while if I'm not guided by pictures I tend to lose my focus and I no longer get what the book is saying. Like, I understand the words I'm reading, I understand what they mean, but I can't understand what I'm reading, it's complicated. Because of that I always felt frustrated in school when I had to read books. I felt dumb. It was painful not just because I felt shameful about it (though I dropped the same long ago already), but mostly because I love books, always loved them, always loved stories but no matter how much I forced myself again and again and again I just couldn't fucking read it. It took me 3 years to read Tim's first book City of Blows (I'll go back to it in a moment), almost two years to read Frankenstein.
But last year I decided to started City of Blows over and try again and it took me, what, a month to read it ? I started slowly but once I reached 1/3 of the book I just couldn't stop and it took me 3 days to finish lol. I loved Tim's first book, it was absolutely creepy (in a good way), especially when you're a woman or afab and directly suffer rape culture. It was hard to read though, not just because I have difficulties or because I don't speak English (and unlike what it looks like I'm not THAT comfortable with English, I'm self taught and I started learning after dropping out of school when I was already in my 20s, for exemple I can't properly "hear" English, only read it) but because it's too dense. Tim wants to speak about a lot of things and gives too much details about it and he tends to be very disorganized (kind of similar to my blog so I'm not judging lol). It's hard to understand when we are, remember who are who. Adding to that the very nature of the book making it difficult to be into it if you're not familiar with the industry (which I'm not). And like I said, it's hard to feel, like, "catched" by the story at first, you gotta push a little. But I loved it nonetheless (I mean, I was able to finish it which says a lot about how much I loved it). It's Tim's first book so I expected it to be clumsier honestly. Writing a book and writing a play or a movies are two different things and reading a lot doesn't make you a good writer either so when I bought the book (when it cames out) a few years ago it was of course out of curiosity, to get more familiar with his work but mostly to support it by giving it a try and through this small sale encouraging Tim to keep doing what he likes. I had no expectation and I didn't know if I would ever finish it. But I did. So of course when Tim casually said "oh by the way I'm working on a new novel about the Superhero cinema industry" I was ECSTATIC. I was so looking forward to it I actually paid twice the price of the book to get it day one because in Europe it wasn't accessible until February (March even) and there's no way I'd wait so long. Though my younger brother wanted to gift it to me for Christmas so I gritted my teeth, swallowed my impatience and put it under the Christmas tree and waited a few more days (the shit you do for love...). I've been following everything Tim said about it and at some he said "it's a book for comics book fans" and as much as I respect him and love his work, I'll be honest, I felt very doubtful given how hard it was to truly get into his first book if you're not into cinema (and just because you enjoy CMB doesn't mean you are into cinema as an industry). But as doubtful as I was, a part of me believed in that because one of Tim's strength is how he has the curiosity to dive in and so to know his shit. So I've read it with the eyes of a comics book fan, not a Tim fan, nor someone who enjoyed his first book. And I understood. It is appealing for comic books fans, even if it's still a book about cinema. Like I said, it took me 2 days to read it (ok, 3 because I started late the first day and read for 1-2 hours only). It was funny because I was just taking every single occasion to read, we were preparing my Sister's birthday while cleaning up Christmas and in between two cores I would just sit in a corner and read and do nothing else but read and once I was done reading I was SAD AND EMPTY, I wanted to keep reading. It was that good. People keep calling it a satire but I disagree to that. A satire is a caricature, an irony or a mockery. What Tim wrote in his book happened, it happened with different names and contexts but it happened. He's not ironical or mocking, he's telling a silent reality of an industry he not only works in but also love. I think the reason to this misinterpretation of his intention comes from his main character who's a passionate and somewhat lovely but very self-centered actor. Recently with Avengers Doomsday starting his promo, we had a lot of actors talking about their colleagues and while they did it in an amused gentle way, some shit they said about one of them specifically are very, very, very close to the most extravagant shit Tim's protagonist does so no, it's not exagerated. And I think this book is way better when you keep that idea in mind, that while his story and characters are fictif he's depicting a reality. Because even when it's horrible, truth and reality is always fascinating and that's through this fascination that we not only learn from the past and its mistakes, but grow as a person and a society. There's a lot of homage to people Tim respects also, you can easily spot the one who was inspired by Kevin Feige, even mentioning real fights he had to allow some MCU movies to exist, I mentioned that in a previous blog I rewrote here recently if you're curious. Or the one inspired by Guillermo Del Toro. And while he said to not really try to guess who's who and focus on the story, I think it's nice. It's a not so important thing that I noticed in his first book also, Tim throwing little Easter Egg to people or projects he worked on. I like it not because I'm a nerd (though it's true that I have a lot of fun finding this kind of references because I am a huge fucking and cool nerd indeed), but because by essence an Easter Egg is a tribute and so a form of love and respect for something.
Remember when I said everything is grey in Tim's work ? Well, this book isn't an exception. Everyone can be very annoying but very touching, even the most egocentric asshole. I genuinely felt bad for his protagonist in a few moments, even if Tim always reminds you he's an asshole and did this to himself, I felt bad and that's what I love about his work, he gives you the freedom of the choice. He doesn't really force a narrative in you, it's not "this guy is bad you have to hate him and this guy is good you have to love him", he will question the reasons behind someone's action, which are often systemic, without excusing the person either and show the worst of the best and the best of the worst. His protagonist (Peter) is a prick but he has reason to be and a very understandable fear to be like he is, but it never excuses his actions either. Especially when other people are hurt. I don't want to spoil too much but near the end he does something and it will lead to break him and by extension his wife Marcy. But instead of just pitying him and herself like everyone else and like she thinks she should, she gets upset and directly blame him. And she's right, after all he did this to himself and while it doesn't make it any less tragic it doesn't absolve him from his own responsibility. I really loved Marcy, in fact I really love all his fem characters. I was once reading comments about City of Blows and I came across a woman saying how outraged she was by his book because of how sexist it was and it had me think that she really didn't understand shit (but if you don't anger a conservative alt right christian are you even doing things right haha). In both Tim's book, women are the only characters who are actually thinking beyond an ego (thinking at all sometimes LOL). Everytime they're objectify, it's through a man's lense, to criticize this vision. Tim is very critic toward men and the way they tend to think with their dick. In City of Blows it's what will lead to everything, well, blowing up, because a guy (who loves his family by the way so it's even worst), couldn't help but fuck a woman. And in Superhero it happens too. And in both case the woman who led to their demise is always kind of a final chance to redemption they refuse to take out of ego. In Superhero for exemple if Peter followed that woman instead of the path he took, things would have been better for him. Like, these women aren't some kind of succubus destroying poor guys through temptation, while they are tempting them they're also always kind of the voice of reason, the little Jiminy Cricket on their shoulders they chose to ignore. Tim's work is full of a lot of critic of the system, but it's often written through the spectrum of people who contribute to it so it's not always that obvious. It's not "this shit is bad", it's some prick explaining how comfortable they are with it and you're the one who go "that fucking prick" and so critic to what they say. For exemple, you often see men criticizing inclusivity and it's not Tim criticizing it, it's Tim writing the mindset of these people as raw as it is and you're the one who go "it's despicable", you're the one doing the work like any grown-ass should do.
He doesn't right this way as a way to excuse it, but as a way to explain why thse mindsets still exists in all their absurdity. And I suppose having his work being called satire is a good exemple of that, it's too absurd to be true and yet here we are, with the president of one of the most powerful nation in the world being a literal clown eating and raping children apparently. It looks like a freakin' joke. And it makes Tim's work somewhat chilling to the bone sometimes, the normalization of this absurdity in the mind of his characters and how violence and injustice is so normal and ok to them. There's a moment in City of Blows where he wrote the mindset of a rapist. I liked this moment because he never falls into uncalled for voyeurism, he doesn't describe the rape itself, only the set up and the mindset. And the absolute normality in which the rapist think it is way more horrifying than lazily writing the rape itself and falling into a form of fetichism by writing a trauma way too many people already know and really don't need to read about. I like it a lot because it's something I mentioned in an art post, most rape aren't that one time violent horror in a dark disgusting street with a knife. It's from people who seems normal, even decent sometimes, who will gaslight you to trick you.
This second book Superhero was a very great book. Tim improved so much in his writing, he still has moments where he mentions topic he wants to talk about even when it's not directly related to the plot but it doesn't feel dense, it feels natural and you naturally feel absorbed by the story after the few lines. It's way easier to get into it, to remember who's who, what they do, where, when. It's way more "novice friendly", making it easily understandable even if you don't know shit about this industry other than through the lens of a consumer.
I deeply admire Tim. He once said something like "maybe if I was focusing on one thing instead of doing so many things I'd be an expert in it" while then explaining why he'd rather keep being so versatile. It's why I love his work and respect and admire him so much, he's driven by passion (which as you know is the most important thing in my life). Everything he does it's out of passion. When he criticizes something it's because he loves it. When he's so pessimistic in City of Blows it's because he loves this industry and it genuinely pains him to see it being tainted this way. When he criticizes trump it's because he loves his country. When he criticizes some Jewish people it's because he loves his Jewish culture. That's something I've been telling you again and again and again here, just because you love something doesn't mean you shouldn't criticize it, just because you criticize something doesn't mean you cannot appreciate it anymore. It's a form of self-questioning, in fact, to criticize something you love. The reason people refuse to do that is because pop culture and taste became some kind of social ladder. The more "perfect" (and by perfect they mean popular) something they like is, the more superior people feel and I don't know about you but personally I think this mindset is insulting. My love is way too pure and strong to be threatened by a criticism or used to feel better than anyone else. Imperfection is human and Art is merely a physical form of humanity.
Silver Surfer : Black (2019) by Donny Cates and Tradd Moore
I don't read a lot of mainstream comics outside of Hulk, I'm mostly into indie stuff (mostly because it's an absolute pain in the ass to follow a Marvel/DC character). I'm trying to correct that this year and I started with Silver Surfer Black because I absolutely fucking love Tradd Moore's work, even if I'm not the biggest fan of Donny Cates' work (though I'm a Hulk reader so I'm very biased, that's why I'm giving him a try here). Like I said above, the arts are fucking amazing. Every single panel is a piece of art and for that reason enough it would be worth the read, but the story is also very good and had me want to read more of the Silver Surfer. I think curiosity is the strongest mark of a good work, if something leaves you curious enough to want to see more of what it is about, then it's a good work. Art is about curiosity. The curiosity to look at someone's soul through their work, the curiosity to try to understand it.
Endevi (2012) Shirahama Kamome
If you're into manga you probably heard at least once of Tongari Boushi no Atelier (Witch Hat Atelier). Well Endevi (or Divines in French) is one of the early work of its creator, Shirahama Kamome. Like her other work, this one is stunning visually talking, there's some magnificent pages that had me breathless.
This is the story of the friendly rivalry between Eniale and Dewiela, an angel and a demon. There's no story to follow, it's rather a few short stories about them. I'm an absolute fucking sucker for angels vs demons stuff, that's why I love Diablo so much and why I love writing and drawing Sam as a (fallen, granted, but still) angel and Bruce as a demon. It's very short, 3 vol long originally but in France we were blessed with a beautiful 2 vol long reedition.
It's a very light read. There's no drama, nothing that will make you feel speechless (except for the art), it's a very feel good short read that I enjoyed a lot.
The Infernal Hulk 3 (2026) by Phillip Kennedy Johnson and Nic Klein
Of course this month I keep reading some on-going comics, starting with the main one, Infernal Hulk. I was very conflicted about PKJ's Incredible Hulk until recently. Nic's arts and the whole ambiance was absolutely stunning (especially for a Diablo/goth horror fan like me) but the story was too rushed and somewhat irrelevant. You had Hulk fighting monsters and that was pretty much it, felt like an excuse to bring back old characters and have them interact rather than a real desire to actually write a story. Though I know how this industry works and how Marvel tend to push annoying unplanned event, which is what destroyed Cates' run before he went into his accident and what had the first part of this Hulk run being highly criticized. Because a few writers "borrowed" Hulk here in there, The New Avengers which was make to directly surf on Thunderbolts*/New Avengers hype, for exemple. As good as it might be, (I have yet to read it I can't tell), it's still impacting the main Hulk story and it's annoying when you're trying to tell something. It was one of the strength of Immortal Hulk, Al Ewing refused to lend Hulk while he was writing him, leading to the very infamous and bad writing of She-Hulk becoming a fem Bruce instead of her own character in Aaron's Avengers (keep in mind that every slander I put here is because it explains why something was unloved, how it happened and Marvel's responsibility in it, it's not a free invitation to be mean and shit on a creative's work) and refused to have event impact his story. So it was one strong story going everywhere he wanted it to go and not having to adapt to whatever Marvel wanted to push. The end of PKJ's Incredible Hulk and the beginning of Infernal Hulk seems to be sticking to his story so far and it's way more pleasant to read and follow. I refused to drop this run and call it back and I will stick to that until it's over, like I did with Cates'. First I see something entirely and then I judge, that's how I personally work. Though I understand why someone would drop something after a few issues, it's not free and it's better to drop something than to stick something grumpily and cry over it online in my opinion. But I always keep a very objective look at Hulk and I judge a run in its entirety. I'm glad I did here because the story is truly becoming interesting. This issue, specifically, was very good. I have a lot to say about it but I don't wanna spoil either so long story short Betty and Bruce are powerless and living a normal life and they both have opposite reactions to that normalcy. Both Betty and Bruce's writing were very interesting but what I find even most interesting are readers' reaction. They were all sad over Bruce and Bruce only. "Poor Bruce, he didn't deserve it" with screenshots of his wife rejecting their new life. Doesn't matter how toxic Bruce has always been to Betty, always forcing HIS decisions and what HIM comfortable on her. Doesn't matter if he forced his decision with violence (he abducted her to remove her gamma mutation against her will but apparently people chose to ever forget about it or not give a shit). Poor Bruce for being so selfish. And there's an interesting moment where Tony confront Bruce about it and unlike what you might think you won't side with Tony. Because again, everything is grey and Bruce made a point when he explained how Tony would never understand his need for normalcy. But what bother me is how readers fail to see this, how just because Bruce has legitimate reason to feel this way and does deserve normalcy doesn't mean he's in the right here. It's not that manichaean, Hulk is fascinating because it was written and created on this specific thematic, that we all have a bit of monster and humanity in us and unfortunately fans are prompt to forget it and the way they do is very interesting. I'm not blaming anyone of course, some of the people who had these reactions are my friends and Bruce is dear to them. But it's interesting. It matches what Betty is about also, the need for freedom, the need to be more than just a tool to a man. In her story, how she was always whatever men wanted her to be (let it be her father Ross or Bruce himself) but also in her own purpose as a fictional character, how she was written to be merely a narrative tool for men or when she became a sexual fantasy through Red She-Hulk. Betty always suffered men and her Red Harpy was a metaphor of her breaking free from patriarcat. It's interesting to see that the moment she's back as "Betty" people see her as only a tool to develop Bruce. They want her to be with Bruce so Bruce will be happy, they fail to see their relationship is a tragedy and as such it's not supposed to work out or if it does it will be at the extend of one of them (which is Betty), they fail to see the crass toxicity and violence Bruce can shove on her in because he knows best. It was visible in MCU She-Hulk already, people complained about She-Hulk being upset at Bruce but at no moment did they think about how Bruce literally abducted her and wanted to force her to give up on everything she loves because HE couldn't control Hulk at first. Bruce never question why he's the only one who hate being a Hulk and the only one who lack of control over it because it would mean having to face all his traumas and his mental health. It's an interesting point of his character so I'm not blaming him or depicting him as the monster he's not, I'm saying it's way more nuanced than what people think and just because Bruce had a traumatic childhood doesn't make his thirst for control and his ego ok. When I say Bruce and Sam mirror each others it's also in this way. But anyway, to go back to Betty I thought it was fascinating how fans' reaction made her own reaction to her normalcy even more relevant. Still, doesn't make Tony's discourse to Bruce any more ok, it doesn't make him calling Bruce a coward for not wanting fame like him any less unfair.
I really can't see to see more and were everything will led us. I won't make such a long rant next time, I needed to add a little context 'cause I barely talked about this run until then so now here it is.
Hulk Smash Everything 2 (2026) by Ryan North and Vincenzo Carratu
I quickly mentioned it in this blog already but basically Hulk Smash Everything is a light short 5 issues comics. It's not 616 canon, like a lot of short run that are often aiming at a younger public, making them often unserious but it doesn't mean it's any less interesting.
I didn't expect shit for this run when they announced it. I said I would read it, like everything Hulk (though I have yet to read Planet She-Hulk, Red Hulk and a few recent Hulk one-shot) and it was pretty much it. I was very surprised and happy to see Sam in it and seeing him as the main antagonist. Main character, even, because the story developed from his perspective and not through Hulk. It's not the usual Bruce or Hulk doing something and then BIM, Sam, it's the other way around, it's Sam doing shit. It's more of a Sam comics than a Hulk comics so far (to my own delight). As unserious as it is, it's very well written (and they often are tbh), Sam is a dumbass but in a good way, very respectful to his writing. You have the annoying clownish ego but you also have the sexy confidence and sass. He gets beaten up and doesn't really bat an eye about it, in the way that he'll stand up and smirk and proceed with his plan. You can see him throw some playful lines like "hi grand grand mother" to some mamals in the past. That's it, he's very playful in this run and as you know that's when I enjoy Sam the most, that's when he's at his peak (Immortal Hulk, Peter David's, for exemple). After he got beaten up, he just casually take a tissu to whip out the blood of his face (and THANKS for making his blood green 'cause it bothers me so much when colorists make it red while making Hulk's green, it's not a huge detail and it won't make me appreciate anything less but it's bothering me in a logical way, doesn't make sense to give him red blood).
Right now this is my most anticipated comics. Of course I'm biased by Sam and if he ever shows up in Infernal Hulk (which I pray every night before going to bed even if I'm an agnostic) then of course I'll be more excited for Infernal Hulk (for which I AM anyway, I'm so waiting for what's next). But you get the idea~
Incredible Hulk vs. The Mighty Thor: New York Jets Exclusive (2018) by Fabian Nicieza and Kevin Sharpe
It's not a recent book, it came out in 2018 and I honestly have nothing to say about it because I avoid being negative unless it serves a purpose. It's a one-shot comics made to support the New York Jets baseball team and like every sponsored one-shot it's absolutely boring and pointless. I mean, the writing and art work is very ok given what it's supposed to be but it's never really interesting. BUT it was the very last comics I needed to have every single Sam comics so congratulations to me. Years and years of hunting finally ending or not because I'm sure there's still a few Sam cameos that I never heard off yet, which is why I'm always grateful when people DM me everytime they see Sam somewhere 'cause while in most case I already know, it happened a few time that I didn't and I'm super grateful for that so do DM me even if you think I might know, I'd rather see the same information several time than missing one ! Beside, it's always very flattering to have people think about me and going "oh shit I so need to DM Lirhya about it, just in case !", I really like that, it makes my day (even if I'm not the best at showing it through an answer lol).
🎮 Video Game
Animal Crossing: New Horizons (2020) Nintendo
I haven't played a lot in a while, but I did spend a lot of time on Animal Crossing this month. Mostly because of an update but also because having a Switch 2 was a good occasion to make a second game and a second Island and test new things without destroying my first one.
I mentioned that a few time but I'm someone who need to be stimulated through creativity. Always. Last time I was on vacation, my fiance was amused because I spent all my time chilling browsing internet through my phone to find inspiration for my Sims 4 game and my next drawing. This is one of the reason I have a hard time just sitting my ass down and watching a movie or reading a book or playing a game, because I need to stimule my own creativity. And I need it to feel rewarding. That's why I specifically love Animal Crossing, Sims and Minecraft. Because unless you use cheats you have to work to create your environement. The 3 of them are about this, working to create your own universe and story and that's something I need, like, literally. If I can't create for too long (too long being 2-3 days) I feel bad physically and psychologically. My impatience will grow, my mood will go unstable, having me feel pissed off at everything as my patience keeps declining and it often leads to these moments where I'm thorn between my need to create and my need to be with my fiance, because we don't live together yet and I only see him during weekends and not every weekends, so I don't want him to go but I don't want to create when he's here either because then I enter a state of total isolation. Not physically, but mentally. Which is the mood everyone get when they're very focus into something so it's nothing unusual, but I don't want to go into that state when he's here because then I'll feel bad for wasting the time with him in one of my "alone" moment. But I need these moment to properly function and then I feel bad for needing that.
Fortunately for me I'm blessed with the most amazing understanding man ever and he often understand by himself when I need these moment and will just naturally go home with a smile like "oh well I have stuff to do anyway" so I don't feel bad about myself. He's very supportive, I hope each one of you can one day find someone to look out for you the way he does for me.
But that's also why I want to be the better version of myself, so he doesn't have to worry. He motivates me without pushing me to change. He makes me want to live. To live for myself, which is different than wanting to live for someone (and it's not living either, I can tell, I've been through it). And I think there's no purest form of love than wanting someone to live for themself the way he does with me. I would do anything for him and that include learning to live for myself, with all the fear and discomfort facing your traumas means. I'm not doing everything I do in fear of losing him or to reward him but because he makes me understand, through his love, that I deserved it. And I think that's the healthiest possible form of love. He gave me wings so I could fly on my own.
Anyway, the point is sometimes I need my moments and he respects them. And these moments I can easily have them through that game 'cause it's a hand-held game so I can still cuddle like a cat while dissociating in my own little universe in peace. So that's what I mostly did this month, I sunk in my little worlds in his arms (and God knows I needed it 'cause January is always a complicated month for me health wise, both physically and mentally, but I'm still better in my worst now than I was when I was in my best then so that's ok).
I'd loved sharing my new island with you but it's faaaar from looking good yet, I still need to farm so much shit, so you'll have to wait a lil' bit. It will be for another checkup post.
Age of Empires II Definitive Edition (2019) Forgotten Empires
Age of Empires is one of my favorite childhood game, but I never played it ever since. Like I said, I'm a 90s kid, so I grew up with these computer games. Age of, Heroes, Diablo, Warcraft. Though I was too young to properly play a strategy game so I would just make my little empire and make it grow without going to war. Which is what I was doing here at first until I remembered how ti worked and grew my army to crush my enemies merciless. I don't play solo though, I only play with friends and it makes my moment on this game even more enjoyable. What they did with the new edition is really nice, I have a lot of fun and it's something I really need to work on, the way I tend to isolate myself to work on my stuff and completly ignore my friends. I know why I do that and why I need that, I know how fast my social battery tend to empty itself but still. I love my friends and my family, I WANT to spend more time with them. Not because I have to but because I want to. So I'm forcing myself to put a pause to whatever I'm working on to have some time with them and really, that's all I can advise to my fellow autists. Find yourself friends who will understand you and never make you feel bad over your need to stay in your corner for a while or your need to finish whatever you're doing over their need to spend time with you so pushing yourself to be a bit more present for them once in a while won't feel like an absolute annoying fucking core but it will be the good moment it's supposed to be.
Farther Frontier (2022) Crate Entertainment
I tried this game after my Age of Empire games because it made me want to actually do what I tried to do as a kid, make an empire and grow it. Fortunatly for me, I have a younger brother with a lot of games of this kind, so it was a good occasion to try it. I would LOVE to talk about it longer, I really do, but for some reason it keeps crashing on my computer so fuck me I guess but from the little I could play it was insanely overly complicated and the tutorial not complet enough for a rookie like me so idk, I'd love to give it another try eventually but it kind of pissed me off to much to give it a chance. I didn't even want to talk about it because I had nothing relevant to say but the purpose of these posts are mostly personal, to encourage me to get the fuck out the unhealthy bubble I made to protect myself from a World that hurt me way too much. If you find it useful for yourself too then it's a double win, but the first point of it is for me, so when I feel bad about myself I can open this post and think "wow, I tried all that !".
And after all I did play it, so I'm putting it here anyway lol. But yeah, I like gestion games but I'm also not so used to them and I'm not into very complicated stuff, I have a very chill mindset when it comes to that. Like I said, the point is creativity, not really gestion. I like seeing stuff I made grow but I'd rather keep it simple so I can focus on how to make it physically appealing to me and my needs.
And that's all folks ! I hope you will appreciate this post as much as I enjoyed writing it. It's really one of the post I had the more fun over so I kinda hope a few people will read it (3-4 would be enough lol) as long as it is and as boring it can be to read about something you don't know about for some. I'll try to keep them monthly. The next ones will be shorter 'cause you can minus the long intro but I needed to talk about that. Sometimes I complain about being way too personal and intimate in my posts but that's also their purpose, to explore my own mind with you and yes, I guess I could do that myself through a little diary and shit but I would lack the motivation to keep writing it if I had nobody to share it with. Beside, I know my rant helped people from time to time and it's a comforting thought. Like I said, I have this need to rationalise everything and I suppose, in a way, having people telling me what I go through help them give a purpose to whatever hurt me and make it acceptable enough for me to keep going on. It's something I would recommend, not necessarely through a blog unless like me you need a small audience to keep yourself motivated, but to at least have a diary. I know it's a common advice and I'm the first one who kept thinking it was pointless, time consuming and annoying. But really, I've been writing for almost two years now if you count my very first blog in which I was writing once every 3-4 months and yeah, my first posts cringe the fuck out of me, that's why I have yet to rewrite some of them btw lol and I'm sure this one will do too in the future but it's ok. It's the proof that you're improving and growing. So don't feel bad for trying.
It's important to write not just because it's a way to literally get words out of your mind but because you to reflect on them. As you write/type them down, you think about it. That's why my posts are often clumsy, I write them as I feel. I write something and it makes me think about something else so I add. I write something and it makes me realize something so I add. But it's important also because as cringe as it can be, it's the best way to realize how much you grew. We're all to quick to forget the distance we walked, it's nice having something to remind us from where we're from. And I like to think the confidence and comfort I gained these past few months is visible in my writing but idk, you tell me lol.
I spent 2025 struggling with that sudden change in my life and personality, how to adapt it to my current life, struggling to find what I really wanted but now I'm starting to see. I'm starting to finally be myself for the first time in almost 20 years and it's... Idk, it's moving. It's like I knew this person in my childhood and I thought they were dead and every single days of my life I mourned them until one day I was finally able to see them again, alive, healing. That's how I feel. And I'm glad every single person who supported me this far, let it be my loved ones or you, can now learn to know the person I really am. And I hope it will help you find your way back to the "you" you lost in the way. Treat yourself like you would treat a child, be kind and respectful. And until next time, enjoy~
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