Let's Talk genders

It's something I've been DYING to talk about because everytime I say I wasn't able to be a woman, people assume I'm a trans man and it makes me feel highly uncomfortable and disrespectful. I don't want people to think I share the same amount of internal and eternal struggle as a trans person.

Saying I can't be a woman doesn't mean I'm a man. It's different and hard to explain in a binary World, but I'll try. To me, it's more of a philosophical and political statement to me. I don't believe in gender norms, it's really that simple. I don't mind being my siblings' sister, my mother's daughter, my lover's wife but I do mind when people who aren't important to me treat me like a woman, see me like a woman and how they will judge everything I do through that prism.

All my life I've been told I wasn't a woman, for different reasons. When I was young I was fat, so ugly, so feminity was denied to me. Let it be through fashion, through my own friends' words "you're a brother to us" because if you're not fuckable then you're not a woman, only to become their prey and not longer their friend when I wasn't fat anymore. I've seen so-called feminists screaming "if you can't bear a child you're not a woman" so I guess I'm not a woman. I was told I would never be a woman because being autistic made me "cringe", "weird", "creepy" and that's not what a woman is. All my life I had to deal with this violence, the thought that I would never ever be a woman, no matter how much I'd try, I would never be.

And now, more than 30 years of living with that in mind, these very people who told me I can't be a woman are upset because I reject that concept because according to THEIR OWN rules I'm not a woman. It's insanely violent to me when people force me to be a woman after they took that away from me.

I call myself non-binarity but my point is I'M TIRED of having a label define who I am. I don't want to be "that girl" and to have my gender determines how people see me. I don't want to be "that autist" and to have it determines how people see me. I don't want to be "that disabled folk", "that non-binary lad". I want people to see ME and to judge ME through what I do and what I think, I am NOT your virtuous boost, I don't want people to follow me because it makes them feel better about themself because I'm "different" or whatever.

I don't care if people hate me or love me but I want them to do so for who I am, through my actions and not through the imperfect and absurd spectrum of an always evolving norm humanity randomly set up to justify the power they gave to a bunch of elits.

I use any pronouns because I don't give a shit anymore about how people perceive me. Am I a girl? Am I a boy? Am I non-binary? Why do you care? Why does it impacts the way you'll see me? If you won't stop caring then I will, I'm the one who'll stop caring about you. That's why I use any pronouns, because people are irrelevant in the way I perceive myself, that's what it means. That's why I don't mind being someone's sister, daughter, wife, aunt. Because they don't give a single shit about my gender, my disability, my autism/ADHD, they care about me, they care about who I am. So call me they, he, she, it, for all I care. In fact letting people pick your pronouns by themself is a good way to see the way they see you and to get to know them, I find it interesting.

I don't want to be "a woman" just because I have a vagina, I don't want to be "a boy" because I have "boy-ish interests" (Aka being a nerd is a boy thing because it's related to autism and neuroatypies is a boy thing) and because I reject womanhood. I don't want to be a woman because I like pink and makeup, I don't want to be a boy because I like being a bro and I don't want to have to behave and look like both or none, I don't owe you androgeny either. I am me. I'm dressing the way that look like me, I don't care if it's girly or manly, clothes have no genders. I behave the way that looks like me and I like things that makes me happy. It's no deeper than that and it shouldn't be deeper than that.

And yes, that's what non-binary is about, it's about rejecting these norms so I use it to make it simpler for people to understand. But non-binary evolved into a norm too. You have to look androgynous, to be physically and visibly "queer" in the way that you need an alternative look, simplicity isn't allowed in non-binarity and with that simple statement they made it normal to not be, when the whole purpose of it is to destroy norms they made a norm out of it and it annoys me because it goes against my mindset and what I am. Everybody have their own very personal definition of gender and that's fine. For some being a man is about being respectful, for some being a woman is about strength. Their own personal binary norms can be very positive. That's what I believe and what I fight for, the freedom to be what you are and to express it freely, doesn't matter if you're cis or trans, man, woman, none, all or something else, you should be able to express it.

"Non binarity doesn't exist", it's true, it doesn't exist. That's why I rather see it as a philosophical concept. It's what every genders are anyway. A social construct, a concept. That's what gender are, similar to a political statement. And so, genders as a whole doesn't exist. The same way any human concept doesn't exist either.

That's what gender should be about, a personality, it's in the name, "gender" means "type".

You have some manly norms opposing each others ("it's about respect", "it's about dominance") and depending on which side you support you'll be a totally different person, a friend or a threat. That's what gender should be about, it should be about the kind of person you are and no, your genitals don't impact that, unlike what patriarcat have you think.

That's why trans people are hated even when they play by these binary rules, because their own existence prove it. They're the proof your gender isn't a genital but a perception.

I remember someone making a video explaining his gender was wolf or fox (can't remember), because in some tribes your gender was your personality and these personalities were named after animals and honestly it makes way more sense to have your gender, so the "kind of person" you are, being related to your goddamn personality rather than genitals and yet, this person was mocked. It's also the proof that gender is a white construct, everything has the exact same root, let it be racism, sexism, transphobic, ableism, it's always, always the same root. Norms aren't created because it's natural or shit, they don't even make fucking sense. They're created to create social ladders and through these ladders to justify why some people have more power than you by making THEM the norms, it's EXACTLY like when kings made you believe they were chosen by God. It's a way to prevent you from questioning your oppressors. Because "it is the norm".

So yeah, I will never ever be able to be a woman, not in the conventional definition of it at least and I don't want to be. Because it makes me feel incomplet, unsafe and it makes me feel like a liar.

So what am. It's hard to say, I tend to present myself as agender 'cause I don't believe in genders, if you really need a label to understand. But I think you shouldn't stop to a label, nor for me, nor anyone else. 'Cause everyone's experience with pronouns is intimate and personal. My non binarity isn't the same as yours. Your womanhood isn't the same as yours mom etc etc you get the point.

I've seen people calling queer folks travesties who play dress up. It's the opposite, sticking to nonsense that doesn't feel like us because this is what people expect from you that's dress up. I do the opposite, I pay a deep attention to my look because it's important to me that I recognize myself when I look at a mirror. I ain't playing anymore, 'cause when I played by this society's rules, I've been told I wasn't a woman. I heard that all my life so don't expect me to magically become one and kindly and silently fit in because it makes YOU more comfortable. But don't expect me to reject womanhood to please another norm either. I will stay a sister, a daughter, an aunt, a wife and I will never ever feel ashamed of that. I'm not leaving a box to be stuck in another one. I don't owe anybody a label and its contradictions and always changing codes.

When I say I'm not a woman it means I reject those codes, it doesn't mean I'm a man or both, or another gender, it means I'm not a gender at all. It means I am my own gender just like any trans, nb or cis person is because they have their own approach of manhood and womanhood. I personally believe there's good in both, I don't see why I should stick to one while rejecting the other. What define who I am is me and only me. That's why I use any pronouns. Because ironically the only way for me to be a woman is to not be and destroy the norms that prevent me from being one. Not out of shame but out of pride. Because I'm too proud to let social norms absolutly nobody can stick to define who I am. I'm too proud to play dress up.

My sister once told me people hate what they don't understand because it requires more effort, that's why they rather follow norms and it's very true. But I don't owe anyone a label just because it's more comfortable to them the way I don't ask them to understand me and how I feel. I'm asking to live you shouldn't have to understand me to allow me to exist as myself because it's none of your fucking business. You don't get to have a say in the way I perceive my body and my life.

I am me and it shouldn't be any deeper than that.